Living with BPD

⚡⚡⚡⚡

October 30 2014

I was born in Somerset in 1987. I was brought up by my phenomenal Mother, who did a mega job in raising me totally on her own. I always found her individuality, independence and creativeness so alluring.

Some unstoppable events happened between then and now. But hey, here i am !!

I was a very imaginative child, who always seemed to shatter boundaries. I had a immense passion for expressive art and nature. Nature always seemed to intrigue me at such a young age, the vast space of the ocean just seemed to make life look so microscopic in the scale of the universe. It im powered me to always think outside the box !! If nature does why can't we ?

My moods were always all over the place, one minute i would feel on top of the world, completely indestructible, like nothing or no one could touch me, to then feeling totally ostracised and being at rock bottom, not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how hard i tried !!

In my teens i found a huge release, my best friends, my saviours and my loyalist companions alcohol and drugs. 

I carried on with this lifestyle for just over 8 years as it seemed to quieten down the impulsive voices inside my head and numb any feelings in my heart, that I'd had towords the venom of this world. But all of this led me to having a mental breakdown at 21.

At the age of 24 i had a re assessment through my GP and local mental health department as my mother and partner didn't know where to turn. I was then re diagnosed with BPD, OCD and PTSD.

I have now decided to blog about my mental illness, in the hope that i can help myself and other people who suffer from the same diagnosis as myself. 

Also i hope that i can blog honestly with my raw emotions and gathering thoughts because this blog is the one place i don't have to try and be "normal"

⚡⚡⚡⚡

November 10 2014

My mind is so inquisitive it drives me mad. I organise myself every night to what i am supposed to do the following day and then it begins, the mental torture !!

Somthing so simple as going to an appointment or having to meet someone becomes a huge fucking problem. . . . What happens if i crash on the way, what happens if i get the wrong day for my appointment,  what happen if they don't like me, all these what if's !! 

Then it comes to getting ready, if i wear black with blue, if i dont stay in the shower for over 45 min and use 2 different body washes, if i don't follow routines,  in my mind somthing bads gonna happen. 

I picture the deaths of loved ones, i picture the most sick and twisted images it totally depresses my day !!

Doesn't matter how many times i tell myself it's all in my head, in my heart it truely feel real and as if the whole world is against me !!

So today is one of them days my life routines become a major nuisance, nothing seems to be simple !!

⚡⚡⚡⚡

BPD Expressive Poetry and why i do it !!

⚡⚡⚡⚡

Myself

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and in a dream. 

I am my own artist, a concrete analysis and the biggest critic to my own work.

But i never perspire !!

I would embellish critics far and wide to swoon over my creations,

But as i last expressed "in a dream"

I stand alone among a million men, who is the alpha ?
I can taste the maggot's in the twisted minds of the out of control universe,
the splinters from the wooden hearts who have never loved,
the daggers from the gazing fiery eyes.

They are only biding their time.

⚡⚡⚡⚡

Driving me crazy

Let's see how long that smile lasts,

Until karma comes round and rips up your arse !!

You wreck my sanity, my life, my confidence to grow,

Your lucky I don't hang you with your fucking headphones. 

This isn't a threat i swear it's a promise,

As i am the only one who can be brutally honest,

With your lies and deceit my mind is screwed

So im gonna crack open the vodka, cause im a cunt on booze !!

And when im finished with you, you shall too loose, 

But no doubt you will find 100 more cunts to use !!

⚡⚡⚡⚡

Mental Health

I started this blog to share to other people who suffer from mental healt, that expressing your self with words can sometimes feel totally impossible.  But i truely believe that expressing your self through art is a huge healer. 

I suffer from extreme anxiety and paranoia but when i start to create somthing it all gets alot quieter. 

Feel free to send me a comment, i would totally appreciate any feed back.

⚡⚡⚡⚡